Grieving the Living: Healing from Betrayal, Hurt, and Abandonment by Family

Grief isn’t always about death. Sometimes, the deepest mourning comes from losing people who are still alive—family members who have betrayed, hurt, or abandoned us. This type of loss is complex, carrying layers of pain, confusion, and unspoken sorrow. Unlike traditional grief, where society offers rituals and support, grieving estranged or toxic family relationships can feel isolating.

Yet, healing is possible. There is a path beyond the heartbreak, a way to reclaim your peace and rebuild your life.

Acknowledging the Pain

The first step is to recognize that your grief is real. Many people downplay the impact of family betrayal, telling themselves they should “just get over it” or that “family is family.” But wounds inflicted by those who are supposed to love us unconditionally cut the deepest.

You may be mourning:

- The loss of who you thought your family was.

- The childhood or family bonds you wished you had.

- The future you hoped to share with them.

All of these are valid reasons to grieve. Giving yourself permission to feel the sadness, anger, and disappointment is an essential part of healing.

Understanding That Betrayal is Not a Reflection of Your Worth

Family betrayal, whether through emotional manipulation, favoritism, abandonment, or outright cruelty or abuse, often leaves lingering questions: "Why am I not enough?" "What's wrong with me? "Why can't they love me too?" The truth is, their actions are a reflection of their wounds, not your worth.  

People hurt others for many reasons—unhealed trauma, narcissism, generational cycles of dysfunction. While this doesn’t excuse their behavior, understanding that their betrayal is about them (not you) can help release self-blame.  

Letting Go of the Need for Closure

One of the hardest parts of this grief is the desire for a heartfelt apology, an explanation, or a change of heart. But the painful reality is that some people will never acknowledge the harm they’ve caused.

Closure doesn’t always come from the person who hurt you—it comes from within. It’s a conscious choice to stop waiting for validation and to heal for your own sake.

Releasing the Fantasy of a Different Outcome

Many of us hold onto the hope that “one day” things will be different—that the family member will wake up and realize the pain they’ve caused and things will be better. They will have the family they longed for and dreamed of. But living in that hope can keep you trapped in disappointment.

Healing requires letting go of the fantasy of who they could be, should be, and accepting who they are. This doesn’t mean you have to hate them, but rather that you free yourself from unrealistic expectations.

Creating Boundaries Without Guilt

Setting boundaries is an act of self-love, not selfishness. You are not obligated to endure mistreatment just because someone is family.

Boundaries can look like:

- Limiting or cutting contact.

- Choosing what topics you will (or won’t) discuss.

- Releasing the need to justify your decisions.

You are allowed to protect your peace, even if it means stepping away.

Finding Your Chosen Family

Just because someone is related to you by blood doesn’t mean they are your true family. Real family is made up of those who love, respect, and support you—whether they share your DNA or not.

Seek out those who uplift you, whether they are friends, mentors, or community members. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate you for who you are.

Transforming Pain into Power

While the pain of family betrayal can be overwhelming, it can also be a catalyst for profound personal growth. Use this experience to:

- Deepen your self-awareness.

- Strengthen your ability to recognize healthy relationships.

- Break cycles of generational trauma.

Sometimes, the people who hurt us the most teach us exactly how not to be. Let their actions inspire you to be the kind of person who loves with integrity and authenticity.

Choosing Healing Over Bitterness

Grief over lost family relationships can turn into resentment if left unchecked. While anger is a natural part of the process, holding onto it only prolongs your suffering.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing their behavior or letting them back into your life. It simply means releasing the emotional grip they have on you. It’s not for them—it’s for YOU.

You Are Not Alone

If you’re grieving the loss of a family relationship, know that you are not alone. There are others who understand, who have walked this path, and who have found light on the other side.

Your healing journey is yours to take—at your own pace, in your own way. And one day, you’ll look back and realize that what once felt like a breaking point was actually a breakthrough.

Keep going. You are worthy of love, peace, and a future free from the weight of the past.

​Are you ready to share your journey through grief, offering comfort and inspiration to others?

On the Other Side of Grief, the inaugural volume in the "On the Other Side" book series, is an anthology that invites you to tell your personal story of loss, healing, and resilience. Together, we can illuminate the other side of the darkest moments of grief and show that healing and hope are possible. Join our anthology and be a beacon of hope.